Symbiotic Beings

For years he was wandering in solitude. He was in solitude, not loneliness….there’s a difference. He wasn’t searching for anything to complete him; he was complete on his own; rather he was looking for his complement. He was cynical or perhaps skeptic. He was constantly asked to be mature that’s why he shoved that kid in him at the back of his conscience. Still, no matter how hard he subdued; that kid erupted in his manners now and then. This made him even more conscious about his outward appearance. He always questioned why he was doing so? Was it because someone close to him left him just because he was too childish or was it because he wanted to come out of that ‘youngest kid in the family’ image?

In India life’s tough if you are a girl or if you are short. Unfortunately, she was both. She wasn’t the girl you would find every day, after all, how many girls you know bet on when Kohli will get out in the ongoing cricket match? While other girls pondered over distinguishing their favorite color between magenta red and crimson red, she very candidly said “screw it!! I don’t have a favorite color”. She was different, not different as in you wouldn’t forget her face once you saw her in the crowd-she was too short to be seen in the crowd; but different intrinsically. She wasn’t the girl you would remember for her artificially painted beautiful face. That doesn’t mean she was not beautiful. She was beautiful. Beautiful in a way you can’t see. Beautiful in a way you can only perceive. She was beautiful deep down to her soul.

You see, she wasn’t a regular girl. She was an amalgamation of stones and feathers. At one time she would run a 7km marathon and win, and at other she would faint by walking two steps. Her innocent face hid a universe of unexplored pain in which no one was allowed to peek in. She had problems, but she wasn’t a damsel in distress. She didn’t want anyone to solve them for her, she only wanted someone to understand her quirks. The best thing about her was, she was a mummy; not those cursed corpses they rant about in folk lore. Like a mummy preserves the body organs, she preserved the childhood. She loved children and became one herself when she was around them. That’s why she was the answer to all his questions.

She complemented him and he was the astronaut of her space. They were the perfect symbiotic beings the nature ever produced. They still are.

What defines a relationship?

This post is not a story. It’s not a thought either. It is basically a question that has intrigued me since the time I learnt that ‘relationship’ wouldn’t be a proper word in the sentence ‘I am in a loving relationship with my sister’. Yeah, I was a 6^th grader and was asked to write an essay on ‘My sister’ (they ask to write essay on such topics even in class 6^th !!) and my intention was to write that she loves me a lot. Believe me, I am not a Lannister. So the question is “What defines a relationship?”

I know I am going to take CAT exam about 11 months from now and that I should be well acquainted with meanings of such simple words but still. The more I contemplate about it, the more I get entangled. Ok, so there are two people, friends, and everything is fine. Then one fine day, one of them says “I love you” and the other one reiterates those three words with a concatenation of “too” at the end and they enter into a relationship. They will celebrate that day for next few months or probably years, till they don’t find someone else. My question is, what happens in that moment that suddenly changes things from ‘we are friends’ to ‘we are in relationship’. What is that transition phase? What is that thin line that distinguishes the two?

Is it holding hands or a kiss or probably sex? But aren’t these things that people do ‘outside’ of relationship also. I have seen friends normally holding each other’s hands while crossing the street that doesn’t mean they are in relationship! Is it love alone that defines it? I have also seen people saying ‘I love you but I don’t want a relationship’ so even the criterion of love is out of question. Or is it the size of their wallet or the color of their skin?

Be with someone who makes you happy, they say. Yet, I see people tolerating the other person for no good reason. I mean it completely baffles me to think that why would someone stay with the guy who hits her? Why would someone spend so much on a girl when he clearly knows she won’t be there when his credit card expires? And then there are those one sided love stories. They are like feticide of the world of relationships. 

In india, you probably won’t get laid before your suhagrat, so if you have a girlfriend or boyfriend here, how is he or she different from your best friend? At emotional level, probably your best pal has known you since the time you wore knickers and so obviously knows you better than that guy whom you met at the party last week. So how you differentiate those two connections? How you know that you aren’t teetering on that thin line that demarcates the both?

How do people know it is more than friendship? I read somewhere ‘people with whom you talk after 12 aren’t just friends’. Well good luck people working night shifts at call center!! How do people know they are ready 'finally'? I wonder about those butterflies people talk about in their stomach when they see their so called ‘better halves’. Do those butterflies die when they lie to their partners, when they cheat, when they fight?

Yeah, you probably might have guessed I am forever alone types…..maybe that’s why this question particularly intrigues me ‘what defines a relationship?’

i am a girl

I am a girl. I am afraid. I am afraid of the dark, not because of the fairytale demons but because of men. I am afraid of that teenage boy who always wait at the square near the speed breaker and gives a sinister smile whenever my scooty passes from over it. I am afraid of that professor who asks me to come in his cabin after the class for better comprehension of the topic. I am afraid of that friend who asks to come for a party in a night club. I am even afraid of my cousin who often comes at home when I am alone.

I am a girl. I don’t follow the ordinary 24-hour clock. I follow the rape-clock. In that clock the day ends at 6 pm not at 12’o clock midnight. I have to finish my all outside work before that. I don’t follow the normal fashion trends, that’s too mainstream. Isn’t it? I follow the rape-trends. Guess what, skirts above knees, crop tops, sleeveless, skinny jeans, tight kurtas and even a light makeup is a tad old fashioned in that culture. Oh I have to reach the airport as early as possible but I will not take a cab. Why? Pheww….it’s not trending in rape-trend. Don’t you know that?

I am a girl and I am guilty of it. I am guilty for having something that makes those innocent men with hairs protruding out from the top two open buttons of their shirt whistle at me. I am guilty of having a couple of male friends with whom I hang out with. Oh man….what a slut I am!! I am guilty of having fun in pub. I am even guilty of calling that plumber at home when the tap stopped working. I should have waited for my father to come.

I am a girl. I am modest. I don’t shout at or hit that passenger who ‘accidentally’ happens to trip on me every now and then, because I don’t want to create a scene. Also, I have to take the same route while returning also when it would be probably dark. Accidents happen all the time. Don’t they? By the way there is a good news, I got a promotion. Ohh you guessed it! Yeah, I slept with the boss for it.

I am a girl. I am afraid BECAUSE of it. I am judged BECAUSE of it. I am guilty OF it.   

Chicken Wings

So I was eating chicken this other day in mess when suddenly one of the hostel inmates showed up near me and almost screamed, “dude!! You are a brahmin, how can you eat chicken?” After a brief pause and continuous staring in the interim he again screamed, “this chicken is paving your path to hell.” Then he walked away. I looked at the innocent looking piece on my plate and imagined a chicken chaining me and dragging me along the burning path of hell.

At night I saw the same guy voraciously gulping down bottle after bottle of alcohol on the terrace. I walked upto him, “isn’t this forbidden for brahmins?” (Yes, he was a brahmin too.) “Bro…this is cool….i am doing it just for fun and to relieve some stress….its cool…take one sip bro,” he stammered in a typical alcoholic voice. I wondered whether God might have just jotted down some rules and have said ‘follow any 5’ and then put ‘don’t eat chicken’ rule in compulsory section. I just don’t get it, if you are avoiding non-veg just for the purpose of going to heaven then do other stuffs too- like not drinking alcohol, respecting women, giving alms to poor; why just stick to one? And why are people interested whether the other person ends up in heaven or hell? Is it that they are going to form a club in heaven over there where they need bros to chill out with? Honestly, once I am dead and through this world, I don’t give two shits where I end up going afterwards.

I researched a bit to find out what are the origins of this vegetarianism culture among brahmins. I found out various reasons like: -

1.       Utilitarian point of view
India was always a crowded nation that was overpopulated. Given the low water resources and lack of irrigation, raising cattle for meat to feed the bulk of population was found hard. [Most of the Indian cattle have always been malnourished and are more often used for milk rather than meat.] At some point, eating meat became impractical from an economic point of view. Some Brahmins thought they were the ones who were required to lead other Hindus into this vegetarian point of view. 

2.       Dietary reasons
Hindu scriptures divided foods into 3 types - Satva, Rajas, Tamas. Satva includes foodstuff that improves the thinking of the mind (milk, vegetables, fruits). Rajas foods are those that kindles emotions and sensual pleasures (spices, salt) and Tamas foods are those that slows down activities (any food that is hard to digest - lot of grains, meat). Since, the priests are required to concentrate for long times, they were required to take more of Satva food - means cutting out meat, while still consuming other animal products such as milk. 
Also, Satva foods are required to not emit any strong odor. This is because the odor can disturb the mind during meditation. Apart from meat, many orthodox Brahmins also avoid other smelly foods such as Garlic and onion. 

3.       Spiritual reasons
Brahmins are required to spend a lot of time meditating and the act of killing any animal (himsa) can disturb the mind during the meditation. It can bring both guilt and violence in the mind. Apart from avoiding meat, Brahmins were also barred from warfare and any other kind of aggression that can disturb the mind.

People like that guy who was guiding me to heaven had none of the above three reason to not eat chicken. He is insanely rich, he doesn’t meditate and ahimsa-he might probably don’t know its meaning even. There is this other guy who devours non veg on all days but Saturday. Why? So that shani dev don’t get angry with him. Like seriously! That innocent planet out there is happy revolving around the sun, he doesn’t even have telescope on it to see what’s on earth, he is not even aware that people here have named a day after him leave alone getting offended by a miniscule human eating chicken on one day. Then I have this friend who smokes weed whole year but doesn’t touch a cigarette during the month of savan. Why? To get rid of sins!! People bathe in ganga to get rid of sins. What I see is that, they are only polluting the river. The guilt of your sins remain attached to your souls till you don’t do anything to atone them no matter how many savans you spend avoiding smoking and non-veg.

I don’t have anything against vegetarianism. Everyone has their tastes and is free to choose his lifestyle. Vegetarianism or non-vegetarianism-your choice. It’s perfectly fine that you don’t want to eat non veg on particular days, but I want to say that don’t attach unnecessary notions to it and worse, don’t force your beliefs on others. Hinduism is not a religion, it is a way of life…..a very scientific way of life. Whatever is written in our vedas and scriptures have a profound meaning and reason behind it. Try to understand that reason. It harsh but true-some of our rituals may have lost their necessity in today’s era but were really handy in ancient times. For example-throwing of coin in rivers. Earlier the coins were made of copper and brass and these two metals are believed to have purifying effect on water, so that’s why the wise men said ‘honor the river by offering coins’. Now the coins aren’t made of copper, rest you can guess yourself, but still people take all the pains to walk to the door of moving train and throw the coin whenever a river shows up and if they miss it, they mourn in such a way as if they have just discovered they have AIDS. Take another example- the tradition of putting tilak or bindi. We all know about the mythological significance but if you delve into its scientific origins you will find that, that spot between the eyes is a converging point of nerves and that massaging them relieves a person of stress and insomnia. This tradition should be followed, but young guys nowadays are abashed of wearing tilak and going out in public.

The crux is, we are free to choose our way of life. Eating chicken doesn’t define your path to heaven or hell. A chicken is better than that chick who said she will give life for you and then left you…..a chicken actually gave life for you. Most of the people don’t know where they are heading to next weekend but are overly cautious in deciding that after death they want to go to heaven. Heaven or hell….what’s the difference? Once you are dead, you are dead!!

No what ifs

Have you spent some night thinking about what you should have done but didn’t do? If yes, then you know exactly what I am going to write about. Regret! Some say guilt is the heaviest burden; they say wrong. When you do something and it goes all wrong, it fills you with guilt. You can undo that thing; you can do something to diminish the awful things that ensued, you know it shouldn’t have been done, at least you know it is bad. But the opportunity that wasn’t taken is a permanent void. It’s a permanent question mark, it’s like sand that slipped away from your hand, you will never know whether it was good or bad, you will never know what its consequences would have been, how it would have changed you. These questions will always ebb in and out of your mind for eternity. It is like that last letter, which you lost, from someone whom you never met again. What it could have been? It’s an endless ripple.

So let me tell you a story. There was a boy who was honest and he believed others are honest too. This boy always tried to act in a way that no one ever gets hurt because of him and he believed other also do the same. He had a belief that one should always do what they said and he thought that others also shared the same belief. And this boy of our story, he had a big fat ego. Anything that pricked his ego was the last thing in his life. This boy prepared for a very tough competitive exam for two years to get into the best college of his country. Sadly, his preparation wasn’t good enough and he couldn’t make it by just a few marks. This particular thing impaled his ego. According to the rules, he could have prepared for one more year; but he thought if those premier colleges didn’t take him this time, they aren’t worth going to. So he settled for a college that though not at par with those premier colleges had a decent reputation. Next year, he saw people who reappeared in that competitive exam and cracked it. He wondered, if they could do it what I could have done. He kept on thinking about this whole time. He didn’t sleep, he just kept on turning from one edge of the bed to other, lost in his reverie. But he never got an answer!!

This boy of our story, he loved a girl. The girl said he loved her too and he believed her. Our boy said he trusted her and would never betray her. The girl said the same and he, as he had said, trusted her. Sadly, due to circumstances, they parted in terms of distance; the boy had to leave the city. The boy said he would still love the girl. The girl said the same, and the boy as he had said earlier, trusted her. The boy had a very good friend who happened to be a girl. The boy’s girlfriend also had a very good friend who was a guy. The girl said she didn’t like his friend and that he should stop talking to that ‘very good friend’ of his. With great difficulty he fulfilled her orders. The boy never suspected his love as he believed the whole world to be as morale as he. But soon, he discovered, the world wasn’t fair enough. His love was no more only his love. The very good friend of her was not just a friend. His ego was again pricked. He left her like a polythene in garbage dump. He wondered what would have happened if he had questioned her order of leaving his friend. He wondered which course his life would have taken then. He just kept on thinking but never got an answer. After some time, his ex contacted him again and asked for forgiveness and asked him to return. But his ego didn’t allow him to do so. And guess what….he is now thinking about what would have happened if he would have just accepted her back.

It is said that Einstein had developed a model of time machine but before he could have applied it, he died. So unfortunately for now, we can’t live one moment twice. Every second that we waste doing nothing is a lost opportunity. That startup you always planned but never started because of fear, that girl you never proposed because of fear of rejection, that trip you cancelled because you had some other priority, that anger you didn’t vent out because you thought it might hurt the other person, that festival you didn’t celebrate because of sadness of some failure, that friend’s birthday you missed because of some office meeting…..these all moments are like that lost letter. You will never find peace with the questions that these missed things will raise within you. Ever wondered how many people you have already met for the last time, how many places you have already visited for the last time. At night when you are alone, your achievements would not delight you, your failures may haunt you but your regrets would surely creep right under that thick skull and plough away sleep from your mind. Very few bollywood movies I like and Zindgi Milegi Na Dobara is one of them. There is a scene when Katrina Kaif and Hritik Roshan part their ways in movie without expressing their love. Then Katrina Kaif rides on a bike, chase him, stop him and kiss him saying “Mujhe afsos karna nhi ata” (I don’t know how to regret). That ten minute scene inspires me more than any documentary. Live a life of no regrets.

Wake up call for MHRD!!

Since last few days I have been getting messages from my friends from various colleges asking me about what is going on in my college. Courtesy highly alert college authorities of my college of national importance. With great dismay I disclose to them the sad news of bereavement of one of my college mate Prosenjit Sarkar, whose untimely death could have been avoided only if our college’s Medical Unit would have been a bit more functional. The events that ensued this unfortunate incident were even more grim. Our director didn’t take any responsibility for his death, he even didn’t find it fit to at least address the students regarding this matter. As a result of his sheer apathy, students started an indefinite strike which would only be terminated if the director resigned and the medical staff is renewed. This strike was not only because of Prosenjit, rather it was sparked by it. Resentment and agitation had been boiling among students since a long time. There have been days when there is no drinking water in hostel. The receptionist at MU is so rude that once she refused my room-mate to give medicines for common cold because he was wearing a half t-shirt. I have been in college for three years and there are many buildings which are being constructed but none is finished, and those which were finished before my arrival are till now not opened because of unknown reasons. The list is endless……these all things together culminated to this strike.

I shared this all with my friends and to my surprise, they all recited similar stories from their colleges. The irony is that, just like me, most of them also hail from so called institutes of national importance. One from a premier private institute said that some of his friends were rusticated because of sharing an online poll that whether college rules are very strict. One complained about the infrastructure of his college being in deplorable condition. What can be regarded as the epitome of irony, one student told me about the death of a fourth year MBBS student due to medical negligence in a medical college!!

In our protest, we took the help of twitter to reach to MHRD minister for help and highly appreciate the fact that she responded positively and in next couple of days two MHRD officials visited our college to probe into the case. But my question is that…..why wait for a fire to dig a well? Why should an innocent life be lost for a change? Why should we wait for the doctors to do some utter blunder that could cost someone’s life before replacing them? Is there not any audit office assigned to keep vigil on the condition of colleges? Had there been, many calamities could have been avoided. Should we wait for the dirty watercoolers to spread food poisoning before getting them changed? Should we wait for the cracked ceiling to fall on someone before getting repaired? Why should we wait? For how long?

#JusticeForProsenjit

Love.....is it?

The Durga Puja holidays had started and My branch-mate Pawan and I were returning home. We were at the railway station, without ticket and with two heavy bags to accompany us in the 17-hour long journey, waiting for the adventure and the train to come. The train trundled on the platform and stopped in front of us. Though a few people got into the train from our station, to our dismay, the train was filled with multitudes of people. We were in the sleeper coach and each berth had at least four people resting their butts on it, some were teetering at the edge, and some, who actually had confirmed reservation, mumbling imprecations at the general ticket and waiting ticket holders. And there were we, without ticket and hope that we would get a seat for the night. 

A good old man allowed us to chain our bags below his seat. Then we sat at the door, it was difficult for our fat butts to fit in the narrow door but we managed. It was pitch dark outside, probably the train was passing through village fields. The cold October air augmented into squall because of train’s speed and tousled our hairs. Except for occasional malodour that came from nowhere, it was serene. Had we had our tickets, we would have been lying on our berth headed to a humdrum journey. But that consternation that TT might come from behind and ask for ticket, those chilly gushes of air, that tranquilizing darkness, that uncertainty made that journey a travel.

There is something with the late hours, darkness and solitude; it brings out the emotional side in you.“It was her birthday today,” suddenly Pawan whispered in a pensive mood. “Whose? Shaina’s?” I asked.

“Yes….”

“So….you must be happy….why are you so wistful?”

“She didn’t pick up my call….”

“Hmmm….what’s with you and Shaina? I have only heard bits and pieces of information….what is between you guys?”

“The truth is….there is nothing between us…never was. We used to study together till class 6^th, then I moved to lucknow and we were separated. But I was never actually able to forget her. Later on we connected through facebook…..she became my best friend….at least that’s what I considered her….”

“So let me get this straight…..you haven’t met a girl since past probably eight years and she is your best friend.” Though he was all composed and serious, which he seldom is, I found this fact peculiarly hilarious. He gave me the most serious look that his chubby round face could manage. “OK…..then what happened?” I tried to act as wistful as he.

“We have met…..once….in last summer vacations only. Everything was fine until she fell for a guy who is five or six years older than she. He had an unpopular track record of eight exes. But the problem was that…..he was out of her league. She would cry for him. I would console her saying that even if it would have worked out…..you would have become the ninth…..nothing else. There is no point crying for him, who don’t even care for you. She would get irritated. Then one fine day, she blocked me. Although, she did unblock me later, but things haven’t been the same.”

“You see…. I can tell you the exact same thing which you told her….”

“Yeah…. I understand that I am being a fool…..but still….I liked her…..we were best friends….”

“Best Friends?.....Really? You think this is what best friends are like? You thought her to be your best friend. If you call a bitter gourd by the name of banana and expect it to taste sweet……whose fault is it? When you bite, it will be bitter…..because it was bitter gourd……you called it a banana…..it is not gourd’s fault…it is bound to be that way….it’s yours fault that you tied irrational expectations to it.”

He looked at me for a while as if I was his Shaina and then said, “out of all the fruits……you had to compare her to a banana.” We both laughed.

Earlier Shakespeare, Jane Austen, Nicholas Sparks and now Bollywood have filled our minds with unreasonable ideas of romance. So much that we have started accepting only those things that appear to be picturesque, perfect or cute. A boy in love with a girl since class sixth…..cute isn’t it? But how practical is it? After years of no connection, how can one fall in love like that? First love is a highly overrated thing in our society…..especially in India where people aren't allowed to fall in love and once if they fall.....its more than enough. Most of the Indians live their whole life tolerating a person in the name of first love or true love or in worse cases, forced love. Clichéd stories have filled us with illogical notions like love at first sight, the girl you will love will initially reject you, you have to suffer to woo the girl, the boy should make the first move and such rubbish junk. Because of this, guys undergo unreasonable humiliation or resort to stalking the girl. They don’t understand, in real life a no is a no! Girls abstain themselves from instigating a relationship with a guy. People create baseless fantasies around a seemingly attractive person of opposite sex and call it love.

Most of the people are in love with the idea of falling in love or having an immaculate love story. The truth is that, what may appear to be a great story to tell might not be a good story to live but a great life lived will always become a good story told.

P.S. yes, I am writing this post after watching Pyar ka punchnama 2 :P
And travelling without ticket later on turned out to be a bad idea when we were completely in clutches of sleep and still couldn't manage to get a seat. However, no TT came for checking. :P