“Really mom, who designs such stuff?” Varun asked pointing
to the MRI machine as he came out of the scan room. “Engineers, and you will become one someday,” Sunita said to her twelve-year old son, trying to fake a smile on her
pale to death face. “Huh! Mom I am too cool for that,” Varun said imitating the
posture of a rapper. Sunita ruffled his hair and said, “just wait here, ok. I will
just check on the doctor.” She went inside the room from which he has just
come.
The doctor was sitting near the computer screen with a grim
expression. “Please tell me it’s not as bad as I think it is,” she whimpered. The
doctor gave her a furtive glance. “Look Mrs. Mehra, I think it’s time that you
tell Varun about his brain tumor.” The tears which were hiding in the corner of
her eyes broke loose. “Just console yourself Mrs. Mehra. It has been over a year
since diagnosis. It’s an achievement in itself. I mean, you also know no one
expected more than ten months for him. But now, the tumor has grown way too
big. It can be any moment that….”
“Just shut up! Don’t you dare complete that sentence!” she
interrupted. “I am not going to tell him. It will break him. The regular
chemotherapy sessions are already taking a toll on him. I just don’t want him
to live in fear of death,” she said sobbing. “Aren’t we all living in fear of
death Mrs. Mehra? Anyways, it is just my opinion. Just make sure that he doesn’t
do some intense physical work or do any such thing which could put a pressure
on his head.” Sunita just nodded and dried her cheeks and started walking
towards the door. “And one more thing…..there is no need for anymore
chemotherapy sessions. We can’t do anything more,” the doctor snapped from
behind.
“Mom….what does carpe
diem means?” Varun asked looking outside the car window as they drove back
home. Doctor’s words were ringing in her ears. She was blankly staring at the
bald head of her child. She remembered how he always hated going to the barber’s
shop for hair-cut. She looked at his emancipated limbs and remembered how he
would come home late in evening, covered all in mud from playing football. He loved
football but he loved athletics more. He would always win a medal in the athletics’
meet in his school. She remembered how he would always flunk in one or two
subjects and she would scold him and he would smile throughout her chiding. “Mom!!”
He waved his hand in front of her eyes. She came back to the harsh reality! That
naughty beautiful kid with flowing jet black hair was no more. “Some year it has been!” She thought and
a tear rolled down her eyes. “I asked you what does carpe diem mean? I saw it on a banner. You haven’t spoken a word
since we came out of hospital. Will you care to tell me why do I have to go for
health checkups so often? I am so sick of asking this question,” he put his
mother in the spot. “Oh it’s nothing dear…..it’s just for those headaches you
have you know…..and carpe diem….I
guess it means to seize the day,” she said furtively. Varun just gave a nod. He
wasn’t satisfied, yet he remained silent. Then he remembered something and his
usual excitement was back on his face. “Ohh I forgot to tell you one thing….you
know my history teacher….we had history midterm last week and guess what I left
the copy blank….I mean I didn’t even know a single answer but guess what…..she
gave me an 8/10.”
“Ohh that’s great!” she again faked a smile, trying so hard
not to choke on her own tears.
“What….you aren’t mad that I left the copy blank?”
“Why would I be….you scored decent marks.”
“And you know….the same happened with my English and maths
mid-term too. I attempted questions of about 3-4 marks and teachers gave me
full 10/10. You should have watched the look on that geek Rahul’s face. He scored
a 9,” he smirked, “and you know that Shrey….he has been teasing me for my bald
head. I told him it’s my Lex Luthor look. I swear one day I am going to punch
him on his face if he continues to tease me like that.” He continued telling
her stories from his school and she kept on smiling and ruffling his hair but
her mind was still clogged by thoughts that she didn’t want there. Varun was
just about two years old when her husband died. Since then every breath she has
taken, she has taken for Varun. She just could not imagine a life without him.
“Mom, can I go today for a small football match?” he asked
in the most adorable way he could. “No way! You yourself said you didn’t write
anything in those exams. Don’t you have to study?” Her heart almost broke
saying this. At that moment, she would have given anything in this world to see her
son play for just one time because it was the only thing that made him really
happy. She knew how suffocated he felt by staying in the house whole day. But she
just couldn’t allow him, because doctors have said that any physical effort
could prove fatal. “But mom I haven’t event touched football since I don’t even
remember when….”
“You don’t have to argue with me…..what I have said is
final.”
“Ok fine….I will do what you say…..just let me participate
in athletics’ meet next week…”
“Out of question…..your grades are so poor….you just cant
play or….”
“Mom….I will only participate in 100m race. It gets over in
about 10 seconds. What harm it will do to my studies?”
“No means a no!”
“Why are you behaving like this mom? It’s like I am in a
home arrest or something. You don’t let me go out to play. You don’t let me
participate in any co-curricular. It’s just home to school then home then
doctor then sleep and repeat. You weren’t like this. I can’t even breath
properly in this house. It’s like I am dying every second. I don’t know what’s
wrong but I think you don’t love me anymore.”
The cab stopped in front of their house. Varun got out of
the car, slammed the door behind him and ran into the house. She paid the cab
driver and slowly trotted inside. She stopped in front of his room. He was just
lying there on his bed, staring at the rotating fan. She thought of talking to
him but then stopped. She didn’t have anything to say. She slowly walked in her
room with heavy steps. Slumped on her bed, grabbed a pillow and covered her
face with it and then screamed into it with all her force. She has been
restraining those tears throughout the cab drive but now she couldn’t control
anymore. She grabbed Varun’s photo, put her close to her heart and said, “I
love you dear…..I love you more than anything else in this world. I am so sorry
for being such a jerk around you. But what can I do dear….what can I do? I am
so selfish…I just can’t see you die. I want to postpone it as much as I can.” The
pillow was completely drenched from her tears. She looked at the ceiling. “Why
my little son? What wrong has he done? The day my son die will be the day I stop
believing in you.” Humans have a tendency to blame God for every pain that they
suffer. An embodiment of their imagination, what magic can he do!!
*After a week*
Sunita poured the hot milk in glass, put it in a tray and
called, “Varun….just wake up you lazy bone.” When there was no response she took
the tray, and went to his room and was shocked as she entered the room. Varun
was not in his bed. It was Sunday, the school was off, he was supposed to be in
the bed. “Varun!!” she shouted repeatedly but still there was no response. She checked
the bathroom, the terrace and everywhere else in the house but he was nowhere
to be found. She went outside to check in the park but there were no kids
there. She checked her neighbour’s house but he couldn't be found. Everyone was
trying to relax her, asking her not to worry but she was continuously crying. There
was little any word could do to reduce her worries. Suddenly she remembered, it
was athletics’ meet that day. At that point she only hoped that she doesn’t find
him in the 100m race also. One of her neighbours offered her a ride to school
and as she reached there she rushed to the ground where the events were going
on. As she reached the stands she saw the athletes ready at the starting line
and there was Varun on third number. She started running towards him to stop
him but then she saw a big smile on his face and then something stopped her
from inside. The whistle blew and all the athletes just whizzed off. The entire
crowd was clapping and cheering. Then suddenly, when he would have completed
about only one third of the race, Varun fell. A loud shrill scream came out of
Sunita’s mouth. There was silence in the entire ground. The coach came running
towards him but Varun gestured him to stop. His competitors were already beyond
the finish line. “All I want is to complete the race!” Varun said in a stern
voice.
Then he stood up, gathered all his strength and started
running. His head was throbbing like never before, the pain was unbearable. He thought
of the past one year, how he couldn’t play anything the whole year. He felt the
cold morning breeze as it whizzed past his bald head. He laughed. He
laughed like he had never laughed in this past one year. He felt as if he was
flowing with the wind. The pain was also slowly alleviating. The red finish line
was coming nearer every second. Soon, he could only see the red color of the
finish line under his feet and then there was all black. He felt free.
Sunita saw her son fall at the finish line. He completed the
race. She ran to him. She was crying like no woman has ever cried in the
history before. The coach also came running to him. He checked his pulse and
with a blank expression looked at Sunita. “Wake up Varun….see you have
completed the race…wake up champion…see everyone is cheering you,” tears were
running down profusely from her eyes. “Mrs. Mehra I don’t think he is waking
up,” the coach said. Sunita slapped him. “You knew everything….yet you allowed
him to run! How could you do this?” She said. “Mrs. Mehra…..your son was a true
champion. He gave me this letter before the race and asked me to give it to you
after the race.” Sunita took the letter and read:
“Dear mom,
I know you would be
mad at me and I am sorry. I may not be the smartest kid in class but I am not
so dumb also. You not allowing me to play was the normal stuff but teachers
giving me spare marks, you not being mad at me flunking exams and yes not to
forget those tiring ‘checkups’ at hospital every week. I know I am dying.
I could have followed
your instructions and stayed in house and probably would have lived for another
week or month. But I didn’t want my last moments to be lying on bed eating
pills. I didn’t want you to regret that you couldn’t watch me play again. C’mon
mom I know you love when I race or play football.
So, smile mom. I know
that I might die today and if I do, I will die happy. You told me the meaning
of carpe diem…..and I want to live by that phrase at least for the last day of
my life and I want you to live by it for the rest of your life.
Carpe diem mom.
Your love,
Varun”
