What defines a relationship?

This post is not a story. It’s not a thought either. It is basically a question that has intrigued me since the time I learnt that ‘relationship’ wouldn’t be a proper word in the sentence ‘I am in a loving relationship with my sister’. Yeah, I was a 6^th grader and was asked to write an essay on ‘My sister’ (they ask to write essay on such topics even in class 6^th !!) and my intention was to write that she loves me a lot. Believe me, I am not a Lannister. So the question is “What defines a relationship?”

I know I am going to take CAT exam about 11 months from now and that I should be well acquainted with meanings of such simple words but still. The more I contemplate about it, the more I get entangled. Ok, so there are two people, friends, and everything is fine. Then one fine day, one of them says “I love you” and the other one reiterates those three words with a concatenation of “too” at the end and they enter into a relationship. They will celebrate that day for next few months or probably years, till they don’t find someone else. My question is, what happens in that moment that suddenly changes things from ‘we are friends’ to ‘we are in relationship’. What is that transition phase? What is that thin line that distinguishes the two?

Is it holding hands or a kiss or probably sex? But aren’t these things that people do ‘outside’ of relationship also. I have seen friends normally holding each other’s hands while crossing the street that doesn’t mean they are in relationship! Is it love alone that defines it? I have also seen people saying ‘I love you but I don’t want a relationship’ so even the criterion of love is out of question. Or is it the size of their wallet or the color of their skin?

Be with someone who makes you happy, they say. Yet, I see people tolerating the other person for no good reason. I mean it completely baffles me to think that why would someone stay with the guy who hits her? Why would someone spend so much on a girl when he clearly knows she won’t be there when his credit card expires? And then there are those one sided love stories. They are like feticide of the world of relationships. 

In india, you probably won’t get laid before your suhagrat, so if you have a girlfriend or boyfriend here, how is he or she different from your best friend? At emotional level, probably your best pal has known you since the time you wore knickers and so obviously knows you better than that guy whom you met at the party last week. So how you differentiate those two connections? How you know that you aren’t teetering on that thin line that demarcates the both?

How do people know it is more than friendship? I read somewhere ‘people with whom you talk after 12 aren’t just friends’. Well good luck people working night shifts at call center!! How do people know they are ready 'finally'? I wonder about those butterflies people talk about in their stomach when they see their so called ‘better halves’. Do those butterflies die when they lie to their partners, when they cheat, when they fight?

Yeah, you probably might have guessed I am forever alone types…..maybe that’s why this question particularly intrigues me ‘what defines a relationship?’

i am a girl

I am a girl. I am afraid. I am afraid of the dark, not because of the fairytale demons but because of men. I am afraid of that teenage boy who always wait at the square near the speed breaker and gives a sinister smile whenever my scooty passes from over it. I am afraid of that professor who asks me to come in his cabin after the class for better comprehension of the topic. I am afraid of that friend who asks to come for a party in a night club. I am even afraid of my cousin who often comes at home when I am alone.

I am a girl. I don’t follow the ordinary 24-hour clock. I follow the rape-clock. In that clock the day ends at 6 pm not at 12’o clock midnight. I have to finish my all outside work before that. I don’t follow the normal fashion trends, that’s too mainstream. Isn’t it? I follow the rape-trends. Guess what, skirts above knees, crop tops, sleeveless, skinny jeans, tight kurtas and even a light makeup is a tad old fashioned in that culture. Oh I have to reach the airport as early as possible but I will not take a cab. Why? Pheww….it’s not trending in rape-trend. Don’t you know that?

I am a girl and I am guilty of it. I am guilty for having something that makes those innocent men with hairs protruding out from the top two open buttons of their shirt whistle at me. I am guilty of having a couple of male friends with whom I hang out with. Oh man….what a slut I am!! I am guilty of having fun in pub. I am even guilty of calling that plumber at home when the tap stopped working. I should have waited for my father to come.

I am a girl. I am modest. I don’t shout at or hit that passenger who ‘accidentally’ happens to trip on me every now and then, because I don’t want to create a scene. Also, I have to take the same route while returning also when it would be probably dark. Accidents happen all the time. Don’t they? By the way there is a good news, I got a promotion. Ohh you guessed it! Yeah, I slept with the boss for it.

I am a girl. I am afraid BECAUSE of it. I am judged BECAUSE of it. I am guilty OF it.   

Chicken Wings

So I was eating chicken this other day in mess when suddenly one of the hostel inmates showed up near me and almost screamed, “dude!! You are a brahmin, how can you eat chicken?” After a brief pause and continuous staring in the interim he again screamed, “this chicken is paving your path to hell.” Then he walked away. I looked at the innocent looking piece on my plate and imagined a chicken chaining me and dragging me along the burning path of hell.

At night I saw the same guy voraciously gulping down bottle after bottle of alcohol on the terrace. I walked upto him, “isn’t this forbidden for brahmins?” (Yes, he was a brahmin too.) “Bro…this is cool….i am doing it just for fun and to relieve some stress….its cool…take one sip bro,” he stammered in a typical alcoholic voice. I wondered whether God might have just jotted down some rules and have said ‘follow any 5’ and then put ‘don’t eat chicken’ rule in compulsory section. I just don’t get it, if you are avoiding non-veg just for the purpose of going to heaven then do other stuffs too- like not drinking alcohol, respecting women, giving alms to poor; why just stick to one? And why are people interested whether the other person ends up in heaven or hell? Is it that they are going to form a club in heaven over there where they need bros to chill out with? Honestly, once I am dead and through this world, I don’t give two shits where I end up going afterwards.

I researched a bit to find out what are the origins of this vegetarianism culture among brahmins. I found out various reasons like: -

1.       Utilitarian point of view
India was always a crowded nation that was overpopulated. Given the low water resources and lack of irrigation, raising cattle for meat to feed the bulk of population was found hard. [Most of the Indian cattle have always been malnourished and are more often used for milk rather than meat.] At some point, eating meat became impractical from an economic point of view. Some Brahmins thought they were the ones who were required to lead other Hindus into this vegetarian point of view. 

2.       Dietary reasons
Hindu scriptures divided foods into 3 types - Satva, Rajas, Tamas. Satva includes foodstuff that improves the thinking of the mind (milk, vegetables, fruits). Rajas foods are those that kindles emotions and sensual pleasures (spices, salt) and Tamas foods are those that slows down activities (any food that is hard to digest - lot of grains, meat). Since, the priests are required to concentrate for long times, they were required to take more of Satva food - means cutting out meat, while still consuming other animal products such as milk. 
Also, Satva foods are required to not emit any strong odor. This is because the odor can disturb the mind during meditation. Apart from meat, many orthodox Brahmins also avoid other smelly foods such as Garlic and onion. 

3.       Spiritual reasons
Brahmins are required to spend a lot of time meditating and the act of killing any animal (himsa) can disturb the mind during the meditation. It can bring both guilt and violence in the mind. Apart from avoiding meat, Brahmins were also barred from warfare and any other kind of aggression that can disturb the mind.

People like that guy who was guiding me to heaven had none of the above three reason to not eat chicken. He is insanely rich, he doesn’t meditate and ahimsa-he might probably don’t know its meaning even. There is this other guy who devours non veg on all days but Saturday. Why? So that shani dev don’t get angry with him. Like seriously! That innocent planet out there is happy revolving around the sun, he doesn’t even have telescope on it to see what’s on earth, he is not even aware that people here have named a day after him leave alone getting offended by a miniscule human eating chicken on one day. Then I have this friend who smokes weed whole year but doesn’t touch a cigarette during the month of savan. Why? To get rid of sins!! People bathe in ganga to get rid of sins. What I see is that, they are only polluting the river. The guilt of your sins remain attached to your souls till you don’t do anything to atone them no matter how many savans you spend avoiding smoking and non-veg.

I don’t have anything against vegetarianism. Everyone has their tastes and is free to choose his lifestyle. Vegetarianism or non-vegetarianism-your choice. It’s perfectly fine that you don’t want to eat non veg on particular days, but I want to say that don’t attach unnecessary notions to it and worse, don’t force your beliefs on others. Hinduism is not a religion, it is a way of life…..a very scientific way of life. Whatever is written in our vedas and scriptures have a profound meaning and reason behind it. Try to understand that reason. It harsh but true-some of our rituals may have lost their necessity in today’s era but were really handy in ancient times. For example-throwing of coin in rivers. Earlier the coins were made of copper and brass and these two metals are believed to have purifying effect on water, so that’s why the wise men said ‘honor the river by offering coins’. Now the coins aren’t made of copper, rest you can guess yourself, but still people take all the pains to walk to the door of moving train and throw the coin whenever a river shows up and if they miss it, they mourn in such a way as if they have just discovered they have AIDS. Take another example- the tradition of putting tilak or bindi. We all know about the mythological significance but if you delve into its scientific origins you will find that, that spot between the eyes is a converging point of nerves and that massaging them relieves a person of stress and insomnia. This tradition should be followed, but young guys nowadays are abashed of wearing tilak and going out in public.

The crux is, we are free to choose our way of life. Eating chicken doesn’t define your path to heaven or hell. A chicken is better than that chick who said she will give life for you and then left you…..a chicken actually gave life for you. Most of the people don’t know where they are heading to next weekend but are overly cautious in deciding that after death they want to go to heaven. Heaven or hell….what’s the difference? Once you are dead, you are dead!!

No what ifs

Have you spent some night thinking about what you should have done but didn’t do? If yes, then you know exactly what I am going to write about. Regret! Some say guilt is the heaviest burden; they say wrong. When you do something and it goes all wrong, it fills you with guilt. You can undo that thing; you can do something to diminish the awful things that ensued, you know it shouldn’t have been done, at least you know it is bad. But the opportunity that wasn’t taken is a permanent void. It’s a permanent question mark, it’s like sand that slipped away from your hand, you will never know whether it was good or bad, you will never know what its consequences would have been, how it would have changed you. These questions will always ebb in and out of your mind for eternity. It is like that last letter, which you lost, from someone whom you never met again. What it could have been? It’s an endless ripple.

So let me tell you a story. There was a boy who was honest and he believed others are honest too. This boy always tried to act in a way that no one ever gets hurt because of him and he believed other also do the same. He had a belief that one should always do what they said and he thought that others also shared the same belief. And this boy of our story, he had a big fat ego. Anything that pricked his ego was the last thing in his life. This boy prepared for a very tough competitive exam for two years to get into the best college of his country. Sadly, his preparation wasn’t good enough and he couldn’t make it by just a few marks. This particular thing impaled his ego. According to the rules, he could have prepared for one more year; but he thought if those premier colleges didn’t take him this time, they aren’t worth going to. So he settled for a college that though not at par with those premier colleges had a decent reputation. Next year, he saw people who reappeared in that competitive exam and cracked it. He wondered, if they could do it what I could have done. He kept on thinking about this whole time. He didn’t sleep, he just kept on turning from one edge of the bed to other, lost in his reverie. But he never got an answer!!

This boy of our story, he loved a girl. The girl said he loved her too and he believed her. Our boy said he trusted her and would never betray her. The girl said the same and he, as he had said, trusted her. Sadly, due to circumstances, they parted in terms of distance; the boy had to leave the city. The boy said he would still love the girl. The girl said the same, and the boy as he had said earlier, trusted her. The boy had a very good friend who happened to be a girl. The boy’s girlfriend also had a very good friend who was a guy. The girl said she didn’t like his friend and that he should stop talking to that ‘very good friend’ of his. With great difficulty he fulfilled her orders. The boy never suspected his love as he believed the whole world to be as morale as he. But soon, he discovered, the world wasn’t fair enough. His love was no more only his love. The very good friend of her was not just a friend. His ego was again pricked. He left her like a polythene in garbage dump. He wondered what would have happened if he had questioned her order of leaving his friend. He wondered which course his life would have taken then. He just kept on thinking but never got an answer. After some time, his ex contacted him again and asked for forgiveness and asked him to return. But his ego didn’t allow him to do so. And guess what….he is now thinking about what would have happened if he would have just accepted her back.

It is said that Einstein had developed a model of time machine but before he could have applied it, he died. So unfortunately for now, we can’t live one moment twice. Every second that we waste doing nothing is a lost opportunity. That startup you always planned but never started because of fear, that girl you never proposed because of fear of rejection, that trip you cancelled because you had some other priority, that anger you didn’t vent out because you thought it might hurt the other person, that festival you didn’t celebrate because of sadness of some failure, that friend’s birthday you missed because of some office meeting…..these all moments are like that lost letter. You will never find peace with the questions that these missed things will raise within you. Ever wondered how many people you have already met for the last time, how many places you have already visited for the last time. At night when you are alone, your achievements would not delight you, your failures may haunt you but your regrets would surely creep right under that thick skull and plough away sleep from your mind. Very few bollywood movies I like and Zindgi Milegi Na Dobara is one of them. There is a scene when Katrina Kaif and Hritik Roshan part their ways in movie without expressing their love. Then Katrina Kaif rides on a bike, chase him, stop him and kiss him saying “Mujhe afsos karna nhi ata” (I don’t know how to regret). That ten minute scene inspires me more than any documentary. Live a life of no regrets.